Guru's Handbook

In our lives there are many wagons to fall off of, many resolutions to make and break, many ways to see ourselves as failures. As teachers, we want our students to see the best of what we are, not the worst, so we hide our weaknesses where we can. But this is monochrome thinking, to divide ourselves into strong and weak parts, and when we see ourselves so simply we miss the chance to demonstrate resilience and grace, to give our students perspective that may serve them in their own trials.

Talk of wagons takes us by Alcoholics Anonymous. While some believe that the power of the 12 step AA program is in a relationship with God, there are atheists who also find significant value on this path. One of the major tenants of AA – religious and secular – is surrender to a powerful external force.

Surrender is a common theme across religions and practices. We might think, when faced with addiction issues, that resistance – fighting back – might be the more useful approach, and yet surrender is so often emphasized. Why is this?

Surrender eases rigidity. When we hold tight to the conviction that we can control what happens by fighting back, or behaving properly, or applying more will, we become rigid and fail to see what is going on around us. We make plans based on what we think should be, not what we actually see around us, and then these plans tend to fail. Fighting harder calcifies our conceptions, decreases our flexibility, and we see even less.

The core of addiction work is acceptance – acceptance of how we are as we are now, with all our flaws and weaknesses. Acceptance over time allows us to see ourselves without blame or praise, without glitter or dark shading. Imperfect and present, in this very moment.

Should we reveal this work to our students? As teachers, we want to show our students the best they can be by showing them the best we can be, not to reveal ourselves as weak. When we fall off the various wagons that we intend to stay on, it is easy to slip into anger, blame, self-recrimination and despair. Acceptance is the first step to clearing away these cobwebs of denial and distraction, so that we might see clearly enough to take the next single step, whatever it may be.

This is powerful. When we accept our own falls with grace and responsibility this shows through to our students, even if we say nothing about it. Acceptance is a subtle infusion into all we do and say, and it teaches.

Our students will fall off of their own wagons, in time, in various ways. We cannot prevent that. But we can help prepare them to address their own falls more competently, and little serves as well as the example of their teacher summoning grace in times of weakness and personal crisis. A teacher, standing tall. Imperfect, but present.

My offered practice: whether it is canonical addiction or the doughnut you swore to forgo, when you next fail your own intent, notice this failure, and see what grace and humor you can bring into that moment. Take that perspective into your teaching in some small, subtle, quiet way, so that your students can benefit from your reflection.